The Negotiation Guru

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I received a comment on my previous blog post from a French ADR blogger, Dominique who made some very interesting points which I would like to share.

This is Dominique’s blog. But you have to first learn to read French! Actually I would appreciate if someone can translate it for me. According to Dominique, “roll” is a slang for swindle (in French?). Interesting!

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“How do you know you have failed in a negotiation? When the person sitting opposite you is celebrating.” - Jens Thang

Being successful in negotiations often requires much strategic thinking and planning ahead. Negotiation is a process which requires all parties involved to reach a consensus in situations where there may be potential conflict and disagreement.

The 10 commandments of negotiations here apply to every negotiator, deal maker, mediator, lawyer or simply anyone who’s trying to negotiate something. To be real successful in negotiations, you need to invest and reinvest time to prepare ahead and adopt skills to help you improvise on the spot.

Here are the 10 commandments of negotiations:

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Here are articles, blog posts and books to check out for the weekend!

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The single biggest danger in negotiation is not failure but to be successful without knowing why you are successful. -Jens Thang

In negotiation, you have to persuade. It can improve your negotiation results. Persuasion is something everyone has to do. There is no secret formula on how to persuade more effectively. It depends on which persuasion principles that you apply.

The 6 principles of persuasion by Robert Cialdini is not rocket science at all. This post will provide an overview of the 6 principles of persuasion which you can use immediately in your next negotiation. These 6 principles are there to guide you and not rules to live by.

Look at them as guidelines which can open up more options for you when you negotiate.

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My best buddy, Eric Chen, has compiled a list of negotiation quotes. Thought it might be interesting to some of you readers. You might even find some of the quotes amusing!

Here it is:

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“With great power comes great responsibility”
- adapted from Spiderman II

Power is a way to get from one place to another. It enables you to achieve what you want. You feel powerful when you are able to control the other party. Power is not a bad thing. It’s the abuse of power that makes it bad.

Power gives you the ability to influence other people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using power. We all have power and have used power in one way or another (though you might not have noticed).

Power is dynamic and neutral. It is based not on logic but on perceptions. When the other party feels that you have power over them, it simply means that they perceive you have the ability to help them or hurt them.

Here are the 8 elements of power:

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“You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims.”
- Harriet Woods

The best way to win and win BIG at a negotiation? Get to a win-win situation.

The main objective of a win-win negotiation is to be able to help the other party get what they want. Here, I am not advocating that you should sacrifice to help them get what they want. Find a solution that is best for both parties. Make them leave the negotiating table feeling that they have won.

The term “win-win” has been abused many times over. You can even negotiate on what a “win-win” solution is. Ideally, you want the other party to feel that it’s a win-win solution as well. It has to be mutual. If you are alone in believing that it’s an ideal win-win situation, you can’t be further from the truth.

So, how can we arrive at a true win-win situation?

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Diane Levin, a dispute resolution blogger just celebrated her blog’s 3rd year anniversary.

In this post, she gave her thoughts on why she blogs about something she’s passionate about. Over 650 posts on mediation! She touched on so many different aspects of dispute resolution from the legal system to virtual worlds.

She has also included a long list of links to ADR blogs.

Truly inspiring!

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Jens Thang
Negotiation Skills for Everyone

For more effective negotiation tips, please subscribe here.

Email: jens@thenegotiationguru.com

Here’s the story:

There is a blind man and a lame man. They often compete against each other to see who’s better in what. One day, their deaf friend got so sick of their competition and came up with an idea.

“Let me be the judge. Whoever gets to my place first, will be the winner.”

The blind man and lame man were both set to win this competition. However, the deaf man stays 10 miles away from them. For many weeks, they brainstormed on how to get to their deaf friend. The blind man won’t be able to see the road and the lame man won’t be able to walk.

A brilliant idea struck them!

The lame man will get on the shoulders of the blind man. They collaborated! The blind man will be the lame man’s legs. And the lame man will be the blind man’s eyes. How wonderful! They were so happy and they got on their way.

As you are able to guess, both are winners. Win-Win!

Collaboration is indeed more powerful than competition.

What are the reasons to collaborate?

1) Improve relationships

It is really hard (near impossible) to main positive feelings about anyone who is trying to make you lose. Arguments and negotiation impasse are often the results from competition mindset.

By collaborating, the challenge and success are shared. At the end, its the relationship that really counts.

2) Sharing of expertise

If we often compete to win in a negotiation, we will overlook many aspects of collaboration. On such aspect is the sharing of expertise. Everyone is interdependent. In business, you depend on your partner. In your family, you depend on your family members. In work place, you depend on your colleagues.

Competition makes it real hard to share our resources, skills and experiences. We are so involved in our own exclusive goal.

In a negotiation, every person’s role is important. So why not collaborate?

3) Well-being

Negotiations are highly stressful. Many things are at stakes. The fear of failure is the reason for this anxiety and agitation. It causes tension, embarrassment and even hostility.

Good collaborations happens when there’s a good relationship. A relationship that is non-judgmental and non-threatening.

This in turn creates an environment that is healthy for both parties.

REMEMBER: Always collaborate to win.

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Jens Thang
Negotiation Skills for Everyone

Email: jens@thenegotiationguru.com

Many people have emailed me after reading my previous post, “What do people lack most when they negotiate?”

Thank you for your emails. This shows that many people are aware of the importance of confidence during negotiation. And awareness is a giant step towards become better at negotiation.

Are you a confident negotiator?
Do you have bad thoughts before a negotiation?
Are you afraid of the results of your negotiation?
Do you know how to increase your confidence during negotiation?

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This is a true example of how we can learn from everyone and everything.

Here’s the story:

There were 3 blind mice living in the Cat city. One day, the friendly cat, Kathy, decided to play a trick on the 3 blind mice. She took the 3 blind mice to visit an elephant in the zoo.

She took the first blind mice to the elephant trunk and let him feel it.

Then she took the second blind mice to the elephant leg, and the third to the tail.

As the 3 blind mice grew up not seeing an elephant before, they were asked to guess what is an elephant.

1st mice: “It is a tube. Something like a vacuum cleaner.”

2nd mice: “What? You must be crazy. It is a tree trunk!”

3rd mice: “Both of you are wrong! It is a rope.”

They started fighting with each other. Kathy was delighted with the trick she played on them.

What’s the moral of the story? (eek…)

Different people have different perspectives in life. Their perspectives are determined by the experience they had. We all have a tendency to delude ourselves into believing what we want to believe. Our minds have many different ways of mapping different possibilities even to a single event.

How can this be applied to negotiation?

Sometimes during a negotiation, both parties have different perspectives on a single issue. Many negotiation come to an impasse simply because they cannot see eye to eye on certain things.

From the 3 blind mice story, we learn that people might not see something the way you see it.

We have to be open to other opinions.
Listen to them.
Try to see where they are coming from.
Understand them.
Get into their shoes.

Only after you have fully understand where the other party is coming from, you will then be able to negotiate properly. Without proper understanding of the other party’s point of view, you will be left guessing his thoughts.

Being wise means being open to learning from the other perspectives. When you do feel stuck during a negotiation, it’s probably because you have not been able to see from the other point of view.

Remember: If 3 blind mice can say 3 different things, what about us?

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Jens Thang
Negotiation Skills for Everyone

Email: jens@thenegotiationguru.com

“One thing I know I personally have been able to do business with some pretty rough characters; but I have never been able to deal with a liar. It is, as my cadet friend at Roswell would have put it, like shadow boxing. It is not worth the effort. You can’t win.” - Conrad Hilton

Do you belong to the liar school of negotiation?

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Jens Thang
Negotiation Skills for Everyone

Email: jens@thenegotiationguru.com

We all make mistakes. After all, we are still humans. The problem lies in not making mistakes but handling mistakes during negotiation.

The more mistakes you make, the more patient you have to be. The more you try to rush to cover a mistake, the more mistakes you make. Trying too hard to fix something will only make things worse.

Like all other professions, negotiators should try to take on as many perspectives as possible when handling a mistake during negotiation. Our perception is usually skewed by nature. Try to see a mistake from different angles will open up our horizon. In order to be more objective, we have to compare different scenarios

Ask for some advice. People make the same mistakes. The mistake you make is probably not new. Someone must have committed the same mistake before. Look around you. Check if there is anyone who has been through the same situation as you do. Ask them what did they do. How did they handle the situation? More often than not, they will share valuable insights of their lessons.

Sometimes we need to ask different people for different perspectives. Listen to what each person has to say regarding your mistake. He or she can be the one sitting beside you at the negotiation table. Their opinions will provide a clearer view of your mistake. This is to ensure that you have a complete picture of the scenario.

These are some questions to help you understand your own mistake:

1) What led to the big mistakes?

2) Were there small mistakes that resulted in the big mistake?

3) Did you have any false assumptions on certain things before negotiating?

4) How would you have approached differently?

5) How can you avoid such situations in the future?

6) How long did you take to figure that you made a mistake?

7) Was your mistake obvious?

8) Are there are other people around you who saw the mistake? What are their views?

Remember: It’s not about not making mistakes, it’s about not handling mistakes properly.

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Jens Thang
Negotiation Skills for Everyone

Email: jens@thenegotiationguru.com

It’s so hard to find people who are willing to admit their mistakes. What happened to taking ownership of your own mistakes?

It appears to me that many organizations are training their customer-service staff not to admit mistakes. The logic is probably that admitting mistakes means taking responsibility for the wrong-doing.

For many reasons, many people find admitting their mistakes difficult (especially during a negotiation). This is probably due to the cultural assumptions that we have when we make a mistake. Mistakes and failures bring about shame to oneself. We have been taught since young that we ought to feel guilty about failure and should do everything we can to avoid failing.

Think of the times you failed to do accomplish something when you were young. How did your parents react to you? What did your peers say about you? How did you feel about your failure?

This strong combination of shame and unavoidable setbacks while attempting a challenge drives people to give up their goals. They are not prepared for the mistakes they will make on their way to success.

How does this apply to negotiation?

Admitting a mistake you have made during a negotiation is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, its a sign of strength. It reflects greatly on you. The other party will see you more as a human when you acknowledge your own faults.

When you do acknowledge your own fault, you demonstrate courage. More importantly, you portray yourself as someone with integrity. Maintaining integrity is essential to becoming a good negotiator.

Master negotiators admit their mistakes easily. They understand that by admitting their mistakes, they will enhance the results of their negotiation. By doing so, they also accelerate the progress of the negotiation instead of finding ways to cover up their mistakes. This is a win-win situation.

“Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.” - Mark Twain

Remember: Learn to acknowledge a fault during negotiation.

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Jens Thang
Negotiation Skills for Everyone

Email: jens@thenegotiationguru.com

In my previous post, I have described to you the Socratic Method to question and influence the other party. Let me use an example to illustrate to you:

Suppose you had to negotiate with your colleague about the expansion strategy my company should be taking. Let just say he had supported expansion plan A. You would need to first decide on a strategy and try to get him to agree to my proposal. This would require him to admit that his proposal was not feasible and had little chance of success. Definitely not an easy feat.

Opposing him and refusing his proposal directly will send a very strong signal to him. You should refrain from revealing your true intentions. Began by agreeing with him on his proposal and encouraged him to elaborate more. Like Socrates, start asking questions which seemingly skirted the main topic. This way, you could slowly catch them in their inconsistencies.

Assuming let’s just say that his main point was that his expansion plan would bring the company global, bringing in more clients from all over the world. It would result in fast expansion of the company. Get them committed to what they had said by rephrasing.

“So you are saying that going with the global expansion plan will bring in more clients for the company? Am I right on this?”

From there, start finding weaknesses in his claim.

“Do you know of any similar companies which had taken on such expansion plans before?”

“What are the costs for executing such a grand plan?”

“Do you know if other companies which expanded took this route we have on our table now?” (notice i use “we”, this sends a subtle signal to him that you agree with his plan and will help him open up to you.”

“Did this work for our company previously?”

“What are the concerns that we have to look into before we take on this plan?”

“Are there any pitfalls we should avoid?”

“How much do we have to invest and is the ROI worth it at this stage?”

“Will we bring in new problems?”

“What would happen if we execute this plan differently?”

“How would you have ensured the success of this plan?”

The final attack:
“Is it right to execute such a plan that has so much risks involved with no guarantee of success?”

What I am really trying to do is to find weak points in this proposal. Framing it in such a way that you would hope his plan to succeed as much as he did. Having so many weak points built up at the end of the discussion, adopting his proposal might not seem feasible anymore. Ultimately, you are bringing him from Point A to Point B to Point C.

We are not trying to trick another person into believing something else. You believed that his plan was flawed and you wanted him to communicate that to him. Hitting him face on would make him defensive and reactive. Using the Socratic Method would help open him up to possibilities that he might be wrong.

Remember: Ask questions that will navigate the other party towards a position you want him to be.

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Jens Thang
Negotiation Skills for Everyone

Email: jens@thenegotiationguru.com